Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
#parenting
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.