Venn
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*gets down on one knee*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”