Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The sacred texts.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.