I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.