[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up