My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You Might Also Like
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.