People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!