Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
…u ok Nintendo?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance