I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
When your parents check you’re ok.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.