WWE is French for “yes”
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]