Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
You Might Also Like
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?