Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.