Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
#FunnyLife Insects
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.