Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
What flavor cupcake are these
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
what it’s like dating me:
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate