I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”