It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.