I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*