93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call