*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.