My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.