Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
peak technology
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.