I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.