My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
That de-escalated quickly
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Mhm.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.