[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun