No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Found my door mat
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.