*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Does beer think about me too?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots