Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
You Might Also Like
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.