me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
me irl
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.