Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
You Might Also Like
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.