I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
bro what is going on at twitter
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.