Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.