WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
OH. COME. ON.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
i actually laughed 😩