my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself