Brother?
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!