[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!