Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
it’s the silliest best thing
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.