And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
got so much cardio in today
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.