[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
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I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Gemma Correll
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]