Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand