I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.