[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.