Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”