You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
wut hotdog?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white