Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.