Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
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Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Finally!
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.