Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”