ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.