Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?