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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Growing out my freckles.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Cashiers are always checking me out