[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.